Gary's cell phone rang. He picked it up and his boss was on the other end, asking "Is everything okay at the office?" Gary replied, "Yes, it's been a very busy day so far. I haven't had a minute to rest, but everything is under control." The boss asked, "Can you do me a favor?" Gary said, "Of course. What is it?" The boss said, "Hurry up and take your shot. I'm in the foursome behind you."
One day when Saint Peter wanted to go to lunch, he put Saint Andrew in charge of the gates of heaven, telling him, "Don't let anyone in unless he can prove who he is."
A few minutes later, a man appeared and said, "I am Ludwig von Beethoven." Saint Andrew asked, "Can you prove who you are?" Beethoven hummed the entire Fifth Symphony and Saint Andrew said, "Go on in." Then another man appeared and said, "I am Albert Einstein." Saint Andrew asked, "Can you prove who you are?" Einstein explained his theory of relativity and Saint Andrew said, "Go on in."
Another man appeared and said, "I'm Donald Trump, okay? I was the President of the United States, okay?" Saint Andrew told him, "You'll have to prove who you are, just as Beethoven and Einstein did." Trump asked, "Who are Beethoven and Einstein?" Saint Andrew said, "Go on in."
In a sheriff's office in a small town in Texas, the sheriff hands his deputy a "Wanted" poster and tells him, "I want you to catch this man." The deputy reads the poster. It says, "Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants and brown paper boots." The deputy asks, "What is this man wanted for?" The sheriff says, "Rustling."
The telephone rang. "Hello, Domino's Pizza." "Yeah, one of your guys just delivered the pizza I ordered and it's nothing but bread. No cheese, no sauce and no toppings." "I'm terribly sorry, sir. I will find out who did this and he will be disciplined."
Two minutes later, the telephone rang again. "Hello, Domino's pizza." "Yeah, it's me again. I'm sorry. I opened the box upside-down."
Excerpts of Stephen Colbert's Thanksgiving night Late Show monologue:
"To celebrate Thanksgiving, President Trump has returned to Mar-a-Lago, so I know what the White House staff is thankful for this year. Mar-a-Lago members are apparently looking forward to seeing the president at the Thanksgiving buffet line. Just imagine, a plump overcooked turkey waiting in line for Thanksgiving dinner. We just learned that Donald Trump is shutting down his charitable foundation. So sad. They had almost reached their goal of helping someone."
Here is a funny one I heard on the radio. How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and a fat guy in a suit gets all the credit.
Here is another good one I heard on the radio. Why don't cannibals like divorced women? Because they're bitter.
I changed my Facebook user name to "No one." Now when I click "Like" on my friends' Facebook pages, it will say "No one likes this."
Three men die in a car crash on Christmas Day and find themselves standing before Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. Peter tells them, "I will let each of you in to heaven if you can produce something that symbolizes Christmas." The first man pulls a matchbox out of his pocket, lights a match and says, "This represents a Christmas candle." Peter lets him in. The second man pulls out his keychain and shakes the keys. "This sounds like Christmas bells," he says, and Peter lets him in. The third man pulls a pair of red panties out of his pocket. Shocked, Saint Peter asks, "How do those panties symbolize Christmas?" The man says, "They're Carol's."
That is funny. Here is another Christmas joke I heard on the radio. How do you know Santa Claus is good at karate? Because he has a black belt.
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