Originally Posted by
user34615145
Glad you are finally inboard Mr. Midas! Personally, although I originally checked in here for stock talk...cause after all the forum is called "Sirius XM Stock Talk" I find it waaaaayyyyyyy too much trouble to go over to "SiriusXM Sports" or even "General Chat" for football information and updates. Therefore I'm thrilled we've decided to throw protocol to the dogs and dispense with any pretense over boring things like stocks and markets and the like.
Admittedly I know little to nothing about sports in general and/or Football in particular but hey, not knowing what the heck is going on has never stopped me from posting about stocks either, so I'm 100% on board with the new format and ready to dive right in! Here's my first attempt regarding football - My personal predictions for tonite's game (I think there's a game, right?...or maybe not....or maybe there's two?..Oh well, here goes):
Tonite just before 8:30 PM EST, someone will sing an agonizingly slow and slightly out of tune rendition of the "Star Spangled Banner.....they will see this as their moment in the sun and think that everyone came out just to see them sing! This person will draw out every note and warble the song like it's a dopey love ballad or a soothing lullaby instead of a tune that was written by a guy that was scared shitless while being held captive on a ship in the middle of a naval bombardment.
Next, some guys in striped shirts will flip a coin and two huge dudes in tight pants and armor will try to guess which side of the coin will land facing up. The guy who wins gets to kick the other guy in the shins I think....oh wait, no.....he gets to choose if he gets kicked in the shin or if the other guy gets kicked in the shins....or something like that....either way it's not an important detail.
Anyway pretty soon one team of huge guys all wearing the same color tight pants and armor lines up opposite another team of huge guys who will be wearing a different color of tight pants and armor and they will all try to knock each other down. This idea of matching/coordinating tight pants and armor is very important because they will all be wearing motorcycle helmets so you can't tell who is really who, so without the matching tights and armor, all the huge guys might get confused as to who to knock down.
Meanwhile some poor guy who, while still huge by normal standards is somewhat less huge that everyone else, will hold an egg shaped ball....but pretty soon the really huge guys from the other team will figure out that he's smaller than they are and they all start trying to knock him on his ass. He will get really scared and start (a) running away from the huge guys that are trying knock him down, or (b) he figure out that they are really after the egg shaped ball so he'll either hand it or throw it to another little huge guy who has the same colored tight pants and armor that he does.
Sometimes this works and they stop chasing the first little huge guy and start chasing the new little huge guy with the egg shaped ball until they ether knock him down or he runs to one end or another of the field and then either throws the egg shaped ball to the ground with a lot of force or he gives it to one of the men with the striped shirts. For some reason the huge guys that were chasing the little huge guy won't knock the guy with the striped shirt down....probably cause he has a whistle which he'll keep blowing to summon a cop or something....
Sometimes, after the little huge guy gives or throws the egg shaped ball to other little huge guy with the same color of tight pants and armor, he'll get knocked to the ground anyway by the huge guys with the other color of tight pants and armor. If this happens sometimes the guys with the striped shirts blow their whistles like crazy and pull out their hankerchiefs and throw them. Then they will take the egg shaped ball and they will march 10 or 15 steps and the set the ball down and and (this is the really weird part) NO ONE TRIES TO KNOCK THEM DOWN WHEN THEY HAVE THE EGG SHAPED BALL!!! - again, I think it's cause all the really huge guys think the guys in the stripped shirts will call the cops if they do.
Anyway, this will go on for like.....forever....first one group of huge guys will do this and then the other group of huge guys will do it. Sometimes they will call in an even smaller huge guy in tight pants and armor in and he will get mad at the egg shaped ball and he'll KICK it! It'll all be very exciting, but after a while I guess the big huge guys well get tired and need to take a nap so they'll leave.
While the huge guys are taking a nap, a Marching Band and some girls in sparkly tights will come out and they'll put on a nice show while the game announcers in ugly mustard colored matching blazers talk about which bunch of huge men in tights and armor are winning and which are losing. Even though it's 2015 and we can fit more computing power on the head of a pin than was used to send men to the moon, for some reason these announcers will wear huge headsets that were invented back in 1965 while they speak in cliché's like "They need to just go out and execute" and "Unless they start to dominate the line of cribbage they will never establish their running game" now, I'm no expert but I think if one group of huge guys in tights and armor start to execute the other huge guys, the men in striped shirts are gonna have to call in the cops for sure...and as for a line of cribbage, frankly I think that's how they should decide who gets to keep the egg shaped ball.
After a little while the huge men in matching tights and armor will wake up from their naps and they'll start knocking each other down again. This will goes on for a long time until, they come to the "Two Minute Warning" which lets the huge guys in tights know they only have two more minutes left to knock each other down before the cops finally arrive. Except that the "two minutes" is actually about 4 more hours cause each team gets to call "time out" about 15 times....A time out is like when you were a little kid....everyone goes to their side of the field to let their tempers cool off. It makes a lot of sense cause by then the huge guys in tights and armor will have been knocking each other down all evening and somebody is bound to start really getting pissed off!
Finally the two minute - 4 hour warning is over and someone shoots a gun and all the huge guys get scared and run to their side of the field....the huge guys that "win" get to pour a big bucket of Gatorade all over their boss! It'll be huge fun!
Anyway, that's my take on what will happen during tonight's game - or games, or whatever. I'll be back after the game for a recap to tell you what I just told you would happen and also to tell you what you just watched.