Dumb criminals at work

This story calls for a clever joke about a "gas chamber."

A suspect was hiding from police in Missouri. A loud fart gave him away.

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/...rt/1689660001/

At least these three schmucks didn't take a taxi to the bank and tell the driver to wait for them. They were almost that dumb, though.

Uber driver reports would-be bank robbers
They also called an Uber for a getaway.

https://www.newser.com/story/271031/...r-getaway.html

At the bottom of the note that said "This is a robbery," this dumb schmuck should have written, "Please do not look at the other side. My name and address are on it."

A man used a note to rob a bank. Handily (for police) it had his name and address on it.

https://www.cnn.com/2019/08/01/us/ba...bmv/index.html

Over the years, much terminology has changed. Used cars became "pre-owned." Retarded became "mentally challenged." Garbagemen became "sanitation engineers." Last month in Berkeley, manholes were renamed "maintenance holes." Now San Francisco's Supervisors want to replace "felon" and "convict" and "parolee" with nicer (and lengthier) names, such as "currently incarcerated person" and "person under supervision." I have a name for those Supervisors but I can't say it here.

No more 'convicts' or 'felons' if San Francisco passes criminal justice language proposal

https://www.policeone.com/arrests-se...uage-proposal/

This poor man. All the other burglars are now laughing at him.

Man's pickup truck stolen while he committed burglary, police say

https://www.newsweek.com/car-stolen-...obbery-1456333

We hear a lot about "higher education." I call this an example of lower education:

​Kentucky principal who tried to ban LGBT books arrested for possessing and distributing child pornography

https://www.newsweek.com/kentucky-pr...graphy-1456697

"I'm my daughter. Er, I mean I'm my mother. No, no, I mean I'm the daughter of my mother. Yeah, that's it. I'm the mother of.......wait, what did I say again?"

Utah mother tries to evade police checks by posing as her daughter, gets arrested

https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/crime...ted/ar-AAGGN9S

I can already see this young man has a great future as a crooked, corrupt politician. And he pleaded innocent. Of course he did. Don't they all?

The embattled 27-year-old mayor of Fall River, Massachusetts has been charged with extorting marijuana companies for hundreds of thousands of dollars in bribes

https://www.businessinsider.com/jasi...inesses-2019-9

I was wondering why the judge kept singing "Alexander Hamilton! Alexander Hamilton!" I assumed he was a fan of the Broadway musical Hamilton. As it turns out, he was asking for hundreds of 10-dollar bills.

A former Texas judge is sentenced for accepting cash bribes stuffed in beer boxes

https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/crime...xes/ar-AAHS1YMr

In comic strips, Beetle Bailey often gets out of hikes or KP duty by hiding atop the barracks' roof where Sergeant Snorkel can't see him. In real life, though, that kind of trick doesn't always work.

Arkansas killer's second escape ends after capture on prison roof

https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/crime...oof/ar-AAI7Pbf

In retrospect, the two women probably shouldn't have written on the front of the envelope, "Guards, please do not open this."

Greeting card sent to a San Bernardino jail inmate had a surprise inside: black tar heroin

https://www.latimes.com/california/s...ack-tar-heroin

If the woman decides she still wants to marry this schmuck, maybe the prison chaplain can perform the ceremony.

Man robs bank day before wedding to pay for ring and ceremony, gets caught by fiancée

https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/crime...cee/ar-AAIoBnm

A Florida woman thought she had a good reason to flee the scene of an accident. I wonder if the Miami-Dade County Detention Center has a masseuse.

Get this: 'But, officer, I was late for my massage'

https://www.limaohio.com/news/378642...for-my-massage

Is there a good reason why fliers should use carry-on bags instead of luggage that has to be left at the airline's check-in desk? Yes.

Tulsa airport worker tries to sell items stolen from passenger's luggage on Facebook

https://www.msn.com/en-us/travel/new...ook/ar-AAJy6ZEB

"Work 100 hours a week with no pay! Get hit with pots and pans! Get whipped with a belt! Get burned with hot tongs!" If this North Carolina restaurant owner had put such a "help wanted" sign in the window, nobody would have applied for the job.

A restaurant manager gets 10 years in prison for beating and torturing a black employee

https://www.cnn.com/2019/11/08/us/sc...rnd/index.html

We can call these two men "Dopey" and "Goofy." Actually, there are more appropriate names for them – and you can probably guess what they are.

17 people were busted in a child pornography sting in Florida. Two were Disney employees.

https://www-m.cnn.com/2019/11/08/us/...ing/index.html

I predict a large deposit will soon be made. Police will deposit this bank teller in a cell in the Harford County Detention Center.

Maryland bank teller charged in home invasion of a customer who'd made a large withdrawal

https://www-m.cnn.com/2019/11/14/us/...rnd/index.html

"Football's still the roughest thing on campus and the kids here still respect the college dean," sang Merle Haggard in his 1969 hit Okie From Muskogee. And now, in the interest of fairness, let's hear from someone with an opposing view:

Florida man accused of trying to recruit ISIS to attack college deans

https://thehill.com/policy/national-...attack-college

This teacher resigned last week. She gave one teenager a different kind of oral exam than she gave all the other students, if you get my meaning.

Texas 'Teacher of the Year' had oral sex with student in classroom: Police

https://www.nydailynews.com/news/cri...vjm-story.html

"Here is a picture of the deer I saw in my front yard yesterday. Here is a picture of me enjoying a spaghetti dinner at Gino's Italian Restaurant. And here is me with the money I stole." Brilliant. Just brilliant.

Prosecutors say a Charlotte man stole $88,000 from a bank vault. The FBI caught him after he flashed stacks of bills on social media.

https://www.cnn.com/2019/12/14/us/ma...rnd/index.html