Joke of the day

A Mexican magician performed his act before an appreciative crowd in a big auditorium. For the finale, he announced that he would disappear. He started counting: "Uno.....dos....." And then *POOF!* He vanished without a tres.

One last Christmas joke for this year: We know the names of the reindeer that pull Santa's sleigh but what does Santa call the reindeer that do not pull his sleigh?

Dinner.

Charley goes to a psychiatrist and pleads, "You have to help me! Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. This is driving me crazy!" The psychiatrist says, "I can cure you of your fear. You'll have to see me once a week for a year. It will cost you $200 per visit." Charley says, "I'll think about it." Several months later, the psychiatrist runs into Charley and asks why he didn't make any appointments. Charley says, "For $200 a visit? Are you kidding? My bartender cured me for only $10." The psychiatrist asks, "How in the world did he do that?" Charley replies, "He told me to saw the legs off my bed."

Bill is reading the newspaper and says to his wife, "Listen to this, honey. According to this study, the average man speaks 15,000 words each day and the average woman speaks 30,000 words a day." The wife says, "That's probably because women are always having to repeat everything." Bill looks up from his paper and says, "What?"

A wife is very suspicious of her husband. Each evening, when he comes home from work, she checks his coat to see if there are any strands of women's hair on it. One evening she doesn't find any hair and screams, "So! Now you're fooling around with a bald woman!"

What is the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

A hippo is heavy. A Zippo is a little lighter.

Where is everyone? Surely I can't be the only one here with funny jokes to share. ("You're not -- and don't call me Shirley.") Let's have some participation! Here are three "quickies":

I asked the bank teller to check my balance so she pushed me.

A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke but he wasn't hurt because it was a soft drink.

I didn't want to believe my father was stealing from his job as a road worker but when I looked in his bedroom all the signs were there.

A blonde goes to the emergency room late at night. The tip of her index finger is missing. The doctor asks what happened and she explains, "I tried to commit suicide." The doctor is incredulous: "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?" She says, "No, silly. I was going to shoot myself in the chest but I recently paid $6,000 for breast implants so I couldn't do that. Then I thought about shooting myself in the mouth but I recently paid $4,000 to get crowns on my teeth so I couldn't do that either." The doctor asks, "So what did you do?" The blonde says, "I put the gun next to my ear but I knew the gun would make a loud noise -- so just before I pulled the trigger, I stuck my finger in my ear."

Two pigeons are flying above an automobile dealer's new car lot. One pigeon asks, "Did you see that brand-new silver Mercedes C300 sedan?" The other pigeon replies, "See it? I made a deposit on it!"

A duck waddled into a general store and asked the clerk, "Do you have crackers?" The clerk said "No" and the duck left. The next day the duck walked back into the store and asked the clerk, "Do you have crackers?" Again the clerk said "No" and the duck left. The next day the duck went into the store again and asked the clerk, "Do you have crackers?" The clerk said, "Look, I've told you twice already that I don't have crackers! If you come in here and ask me that again, I'm going to nail your webbed feet to the floor!" The duck left. The next day the duck walked back into the store and asked the clerk, "Do you have nails?" The clerk said "No." The duck said, "Good. Do you have crackers?"

On a Friday night in December, Don took his girlfriend to Armando's Jewelers and told her to pick out anything she wanted. He said, "This will be your Christmas present." She picked up a 24-karat gold ring with several small rubies and diamonds around it and said, "Oh, this is stunning. It's beautiful!" Armando said, "That ring is $27,000." Don told him, "No problem. I'll write you a check. On Monday, after the check clears, I'll come in and pick up the ring." Armando said that would be fine. On Monday afternoon, Armando phoned Don and complained, "Your check bounced!" Don replied, "I knew it would, but let me tell you about my great weekend!"

A rancher goes to the local veterinarian and says, "I have a horse. Sometimes he walks normally and sometimes he limps. What should I do?" The veterinarian tells him, "The next time he walks normally, sell him."

I know I'm not the only one here who knows a lot of funny jokes but this thread has become my own personal humor blog. Where is everyone? How about some participation? Please?

A man and a boy go into a barber shop. After the man gets a haircut, he puts the boy in the barber chair. Then he says, "I'm going to go to the drugstore on the corner and get a pack of gum." The barber gives the boy a haircut but the man still hasn't returned. The barber says, "It looks like your dad has forgotten you." The boy replies, "That wasn't my dad. He just saw me on the sidewalk, grabbed me by the hand and said, 'Come on, we're both going to get a free haircut.'"

Walt, a traveling salesman, had been driving for several hours and was very tired, so he decided to pull over to the side of the road and take a nap in his car. He had been asleep just a few minutes when a jogger stopped and rapped on the window, waking him up. Walt asked, "What do you want?" The jogger asked, "Do you have the time?" Walt said "It's 8:15" and went back to sleep. A few minutes later, another jogger came by, rapped on the window, woke him up and asked, "Do you have the time?" Walt told him "It's 8:30." Walt then wrote "I don't have the time" on a sheet of paper and taped it to the window and went back to sleep.

Ten minutes later, another jogger came by, rapped on the window, woke him up and said "It's 8:40."

Don lived on the fourth floor of an apartment building. One night he thought he heard rain falling so his stuck his hand out the window to check. Suddenly a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from. There was a young woman leaning out the window above him, and he asked her, "Does this eye belong to you?" She said, "Yes. Could you bring it up, please?" When he got to her apartment and handed her the eye, she popped it back into her eye socket and thanked him profusely. She offered him a drink and he accepted. Then she asked him to stay for dinner and he accepted. After the meal, she invited him to spend the night. Don was hesitant. He asked her, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?" She replied, "No, only those who catch my eye."

An elderly man went to the doctor for his annual physical exam. After the doctor checked the man's temperature, blood pressure, hearing, eyesight, reflexes and circulation, he asked, "Do you have any other problems you'd like to discuss with me?" The man admitted, "Well, when I make love with my wife, I feel cold and chilly. Then when we make love a second time, I get hot and sweaty." The doctor said, "Hmm, that's unusual. If your wife is in the waiting room, could you send her in? I'd like to talk to her." When the woman came in, the doctor told her, "Your husband says that when he makes love with you, he's cold and chilly. Then the second time, he's hot and sweaty." The woman exclaimed, "That old fool! The first time is in January and the second time is in August!"

George had a very embarrassing problem. He had smelly feet. No matter how much he washed his feet and no matter what kind of powders or sprays he used, his feet always smelled. Melinda had another problem. She had very bad breath. Mouthwashes and rinses didn't help much. One day George met Melinda in a bar. Because of the smells of liquor and cigarette smoke, neither one was aware of the other's problem. They struck up a conversation, then shared a few drinks and agreed to meet at the bar the next night. For several nights George and Melinda got together. They developed a strong friendship and eventually decided to get married.

On their wedding night, George washed as best as he could, then lay on the bed with the sheet wrapped around his feet. Melinda then showered and gargled, hoping to get rid of her bad breath. She came out and lay next to George. She leaned close and said, "George, I have a confession to make." He said, "I know -- you ate my socks."

A work crew was installing telephone poles to bring phone service to a remote town in the hills of Kentucky. They still had several miles to go and they had to have the work completed in two more days. The foreman decided to hire some more men. He went to the city and found a group of Polacks willing to work. He dropped them off along the roadside and drove off. At the end of the day, the foreman drove out to check on the Polacks. He asked them, "How many telephone poles did you get installed today?" Wlavojski said, "Two." The foreman couldn't believe it. He yelled, "Two? Two??? The crew three miles down the road put in thirty poles!" Wlavojski said, "Yeah, but they left all of theirs sticking up out of the ground."

Roscoe points a gun at the bank teller and demands money. He's on his way out the door with a sack full of hundred-dollar bills when he notices several people outside the bank, staring at him. He asks one man, "Did you just see me rob the bank?" The man says "Yes" and Roscoe shoots him dead. He turns to another man and asks, "Did you just see me rob the bank?" That man also says "Yes" and Roscoe shoots him dead. He then asks a third man, "Did you just see me rob the bank?" The man replies, "No -- but my wife did."

Today, April 15, is the day when federal income taxes are due. Internal Revenue Service agents are trying to locate a relative of Darth Vader. His name is Tax E. Vader.