1. A Mexican magician performed his act before an appreciative crowd in a big auditorium. For the finale, he announced that he would disappear. He started counting: "Uno.....dos....." And then *POOF!* He vanished without a tres.

2. One last Christmas joke for this year: We know the names of the reindeer that pull Santa's sleigh but what does Santa call the reindeer that do not pull his sleigh?

Dinner.

3. Charley goes to a psychiatrist and pleads, "You have to help me! Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. This is driving me crazy!" The psychiatrist says, "I can cure you of your fear. You'll have to see me once a week for a year. It will cost you \$200 per visit." Charley says, "I'll think about it." Several months later, the psychiatrist runs into Charley and asks why he didn't make any appointments. Charley says, "For \$200 a visit? Are you kidding? My bartender cured me for only \$10." The psychiatrist asks, "How in the world did he do that?" Charley replies, "He told me to saw the legs off my bed."

4. Bill is reading the newspaper and says to his wife, "Listen to this, honey. According to this study, the average man speaks 15,000 words each day and the average woman speaks 30,000 words a day." The wife says, "That's probably because women are always having to repeat everything." Bill looks up from his paper and says, "What?"

5. A wife is very suspicious of her husband. Each evening, when he comes home from work, she checks his coat to see if there are any strands of women's hair on it. One evening she doesn't find any hair and screams, "So! Now you're fooling around with a bald woman!"

6. What is the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

A hippo is heavy. A Zippo is a little lighter.

7. Where is everyone? Surely I can't be the only one here with funny jokes to share. ("You're not -- and don't call me Shirley.") Let's have some participation! Here are three "quickies":

I asked the bank teller to check my balance so she pushed me.

A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke but he wasn't hurt because it was a soft drink.

I didn't want to believe my father was stealing from his job as a road worker but when I looked in his bedroom all the signs were there.

8. A blonde goes to the emergency room late at night. The tip of her index finger is missing. The doctor asks what happened and she explains, "I tried to commit suicide." The doctor is incredulous: "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?" She says, "No, silly. I was going to shoot myself in the chest but I recently paid \$6,000 for breast implants so I couldn't do that. Then I thought about shooting myself in the mouth but I recently paid \$4,000 to get crowns on my teeth so I couldn't do that either." The doctor asks, "So what did you do?" The blonde says, "I put the gun next to my ear but I knew the gun would make a loud noise -- so just before I pulled the trigger, I stuck my finger in my ear."

9. Two pigeons are flying above an automobile dealer's new car lot. One pigeon asks, "Did you see that brand-new silver Mercedes C300 sedan?" The other pigeon replies, "See it? I made a deposit on it!"

10. A duck waddled into a general store and asked the clerk, "Do you have crackers?" The clerk said "No" and the duck left. The next day the duck walked back into the store and asked the clerk, "Do you have crackers?" Again the clerk said "No" and the duck left. The next day the duck went into the store again and asked the clerk, "Do you have crackers?" The clerk said, "Look, I've told you twice already that I don't have crackers! If you come in here and ask me that again, I'm going to nail your webbed feet to the floor!" The duck left. The next day the duck walked back into the store and asked the clerk, "Do you have nails?" The clerk said "No." The duck said, "Good. Do you have crackers?"

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