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Thread: A Horny Problem

  1. #11
    Atypical is offline
    Woman, this has gone far enough.

    I have continually responded to each of your entreaties with an openness that defies description. You have, in each case, replied with deviousness, slander, and duplicity. And now, again, with more threats. You are the essence of evil.

    I have respected in turn, though it has been difficult, your hideous mother and elderly dog. Nothing has worked.

    Evidence abounds. No proof of this ‘baby Dragon’ exists; the King denies an awareness of a personal relationship with you – though he has a suspicious bulge in his attire when he speaks of the non-relationship with you.

    You speak of these ‘uncles’. Who are those that would interfere with the mighty Dragon? They court great danger in that endeavor. And this ‘Chip’ whose name you bandy about – he shall rue the day that his swish involved itself with a member of one of my men.

    There shall be no dinner at any hour, and, yes, any attempt at such will be buffeted by winds that will be summoned by prayer to Wotan, the great.

    I have recently learned that I am to be sent to a land some distance from this one. I shall lead a great battle, and, perhaps not return. That is my duty, as my position in the King’s battalions dictates. If I return, I shall once again review this story of yours. It does not appear that there is much to review, however.

    Until my return, I suggest your low cut, flirty, form fitting frock, be retired from use in our town as I understand from a source that your figure has 'blossomed'. Sight of your pulchritude in garments that do not hide the aforementioned avoirdupois would cause significant distress among the children, horses and the older citizens of our town. Your reputation already suffers.

    See to it!

    Dragon
    Last edited by Atypical; 04-20-2011 at 04:20 PM.

  2. #12
    SiriMonkey is online now
    Drag,

    Perhaps you need to take a quick look at your assignment papers again. You might recall during our conversation yesterday I spoke of the Kings new orders for you if you refused to comply with my wishes for a ceremony. Now that you have refused repeatedly, even shouting to all "it will be a cold day in Hell" you have determined your own fate. Perhaps you also might recall Siberia was mentioned. The great battle you speak of, the one you are being sent to fight, will consist of you battling to keep your body parts from freezing and falling off.

    Good luck.
    Last edited by SiriMonkey; 04-21-2011 at 01:24 PM.

  3. #13
    Atypical is offline
    I’ve learned a lesson and learned it well
    Born of passion when darkness fell,
    The memory was warm, then became unruly
    Men, protect yourselves. Her name is Julie.

    Dragon
    (Off to fight the King's war)

  4. #14
    Atypical is offline
    I, the mighty Dragon, have returned from fighting a war for my King in a far-away land. I was victorious and led many men in battle.

    There were other, less violent activities which did much to shorten the war. In one of the most successful, the men of the ‘Fancy Pantaloon’ (FP) battalion, under cover of darkness, infiltrated the enemy’s town and mingled with the men of the enemy army, most of whom were farmers. By morning, many of the enemy had reached their climax, whereby they knew that their seed had been spread, and their land had been furrowed. They had also learned that their uniforms were poorly designed, ill-fitting and the wrong color. Their interest in fighting further was destroyed.

    The war may have continued many years more if this brilliant maneuver had not succeeded. Many of my men, when learning of this success and knowing it saved many lives, dropped to their knees to bestow their appreciation on the members of the FP.

    I had also ordered the men of my crack battalion, the Dragonaires, to capture all appropriate females; those who were maidens and those that were of a special, rare variety, known as MILFs. These females, called ‘booty’, were to be taken with us to our land at war’s end. I had been planning a special arrangement which would earn many ducats for me.

    The King had sent word he was going to award a large castle to me - if I lived. It was to be in payment for services I had rendered him lo these many years and had a number of rooms which could be put to good use in my plan.

    The maidens and MILFs would be ensconced in these rooms. Discreet whispers would be passed in town signifying an opportunity to visit the castle when darkness abounds. There would, of course, be a small charge to enter these rooms. The rooms containing MILFs would be more expensive. I would be, in essence, known as a Person In MILF Possession, a title that suits and exalts me.

    I would continue to be an advisor to the King and the constabulary. This is advantageous and will prevent any improper calls on my ‘booty’.

    I have become comfortable with my activities. I live and dine well, and have come to see the beauty of the exotic MILFs, after being smitten with maidens for so long.

    Thusly, I have toiled in my King’s service, served in war, and I now become one who prospers in a private endeavor.

    There is nothing more I need – except a never-ending supply of ducats.

    Well, perhaps, a maiden occasionally; or, two, maybe three MILFs, on a regular basis.

    Life is good.

    Dragon
    Last edited by Atypical; 05-19-2011 at 01:13 PM.

  5. #15
    SiriMonkey is online now
    Quote Originally Posted by Atypical View Post

    Life is good.
    I bet it is!

    You are joking, right? I have been inconsolable since you were sent away! Much wailing, hand wringing and mourning has occurred. I pleaded with the King as he rose from my bed, 'Don't send my dear Dragon to war!' He refused. I was left weeping, in a crumpled heap, on my own, with our darling little dragon to support. I was barely able to function, entertaining the men of the village had become a chore, although a necessity. Your Friend of the Sovereign checks have been few and far between. We have suffered greatly Dragon!

    And yet here you are, back from a war that has changed you, a Dragon I no longer recognize. Now you appear as a Hugh Hefner wannabe, in your castle, surrounding yourself with maidens and MILFs, flaunting your wanton endeaver.

    I shall be contacting my attorney, with the papers you signed, promising to support me, our little dragon and provide shelter. So you might want to tell Miss April, Miss June and Miss August to start packing.

    I WILL be moving in.
    Last edited by SiriMonkey; 05-09-2011 at 10:05 PM.

  6. #16
    Atypical is offline
    Ere, I am again shocked, that this vile wench Julie, one who has never hesitated to complain to me of her ‘difficult circumstances’, should once more foul the air in which she speaks!

    Your lying ways have again not gone unnoticed. You now say that you pleaded with the King to prevent my departure. Does the land of ‘Siberia’, wherever it exists, sound a bell? You also now allegedly plead from bed with the King. I understand from my sources that the aforementioned avoirdupois of yours is even more dupois than before! Horses may have had to lift you by pulley from his bed if this is all true. Yet, I have never known the King to be a ‘chubby chaser’ or a lover of BBWs, although, myself, once…never mind. To be in the King’s bed, therefore, must be another lie of yours.

    Your reference to entertaining the men of the village, then, to be rendered accurately, should be stated that it happens in groups of three due to your ability to ‘spread yourself around’.

    You have obviously been hoisting many tankards of ale. Your reference to ‘huge heifers’ is bizarre. I have lived in this land many years and have never seen one cow any larger than another. Plainly, this is another delusion on your part. Another lie!

    I have placed one of the MILFs, a Miss Lottabodi, in charge of matters at the castle when I am absent. She is under strict instruction not to allow my ‘students’ to leave without permission. And, because my business has grown since my return, I have sent my men to locate more maidens, and, especially MILFs. I am considering roadside signs and coupons. Perhaps, also, frequent visit parchments.

    The men of the FP are still seeking evidence of the ‘alleged’ baby Dragon. Ugh! The lie repulses me. The FP will get to the bottom of things, as they always do. Therefore, it is not my intention to allow you to reside, in, or, anywhere near my castle. There are twenty-five rooms there but not one is large enough for you.

    Do not contact me again. If there is a need for us to speak, I will send a MILF. It will be a good example for you as to what is desirable in a female.

    And deny yourself those tankards you consume so freely. Otherwise, you will be seeing more barnyard animals that do not exist.

    Dragon
    Last edited by Atypical; 05-19-2011 at 01:14 PM.

  7. #17
    SiriMonkey is online now
    Obviously YOUR eyes and brain have become clouded by an excess of alcohol Dragon! If that weren't so you would realize I am the same Wench you desired many months ago. The same wench who excited you as no other. The chubby vision you speak of exists only in your mind. After the birth of our little dragon I was once again shopping at Victorias Secret. Ask your FP battalion, for it is there we met up, exchanging gossip as well as styling tips. It was during one of our lunches I heard of your new business venture, Hot and Ready, which I first thought referred to hamburgers. Imagine my disdain as I learned what it really stood for! Flashing lights above the castle door proclaiming Buy One get One Free (BOGO) and Frequent John miles. What deep dark depths you have now sunk Dragon. Even our King shakes his head in disgust as he is leaving your castle.

    Be it as it may, this is a community property state where half of your disgusting business will soon become mine. So continue to build our enterprise dear Dragon, for I shall become wealthy when it is divided.

    Henceforth to be named Madame Julie's, The Quicker Picker-Upper. When you care enough to have the very best.
    Last edited by SiriMonkey; 05-11-2011 at 08:24 AM.

  8. #18
    Atypical is offline
    I, the Mighty Dragon, am, above all, fair. My men will attest.

    I have spoken with others not involved in telling me of your past ‘weight problem’ to verify your account. They were men of the FP.

    I am assured that the stories I was told were, ahem, somewhat exaggerated. Therefore, I offer my regrets.

    However, your other comments regarding my business are untrue. There are no flashing lights as you say. They have not been invented yet. Moreover, your assertion that the King has visited is untrue, as far as I know. Miss Lottabodi would have mentioned it during our frequent ‘chats’. What you portray was, I’m sure, a ‘guest’ leaving after ‘role play’ night. We encourage our visitors to wear clothing suitable to their fantasy and to request anything they desire for our ‘talent’ to perform. Diapers excepted. Dungeons accepted.

    I know nothing of a ‘community property’, whatever that is. Perhaps, that is another of your delusions similar to the ‘huge heifers’ you described in the past.

    You have nothing to expect of my business. It is something that belongs to the masses; those that are partaking of the edible delights; those who benefit from the building of morale for the many; those who practice the growth and rigidity of persistence; and those who enjoy the involvement of a new type of citizen, the Swingers. All these I have facilitated – you have not consulted.

    I have many friends yet in the constabulary who wish to curry favor with me. My MILFs have come to know many of them. The maidens have also handled some as well. As a result, they will not act on any dubious assertion that threatens.

    It is dangerous to annoy me.

    Dragon
    Last edited by Atypical; 05-19-2011 at 01:14 PM.

  9. #19
    Atypical is offline
    Your frequent mention of this Secret of Victoria’s now intrigues me.

    I have decided to investigate. As I wanted a thorough examination I considered using the FP, under the command of Major Bruce, but reconsidered as I am afraid they would be indifferent to her.

    I then turned to the Randy Battalion (RB). They are men who are ready in seconds to do whatever is asked of them. I summoned Captain Sword and outlined my request.

    Go into the land and locate this Victoria. Learn everything and report back. This they did with marvelous dispatch.

    They found her and removed to a safe house. Captain Sword and his men began firmly and intimately probing her. After many hours she said, “continue to probe and I will let you know when I am ready to come forth with what you have been waiting for”. This was said more than once.

    They learned many remarkable things. She has created clothing which is worn under the drab, plain, but functional common attire. Most are brief and almost non-existent in some areas of the body. Its purpose is to enhance. It is a kind of magical underclothing. This is similar to the Mormons, except they have not been invented yet. Many of the females of the kingdom use this clothing and the line has become famous. As a result, another exotic, rare female has become known to me, ‘the GILFs”. It seems that their beauty is also enhanced in this way.

    I am advising you of this information because I have an idea which may be beneficial to both of us. Perhaps, twice or thrice each week at the castle, we could have a kind of show. It would be an exhibit of this clothing and would be worn by maidens, MILFs and GILFs. We could title the show, ‘The Quicker Picker-Upper’, as you suggested. It would, I’m sure, result in many tips from the men and increased activity in the rooms. You could MC, whatever that is.

    Your BOGO and Frequent John credits could be utilized as well.

    This could be a boon to us and the business. I would, of course, find a way to move many ducats your way.

    Pray, notify me of your interest.


    Dragon
    Last edited by Atypical; 05-19-2011 at 01:14 PM.

  10. #20
    SiriMonkey is online now
    Why dear Dragon, should I trust whatever words come from your mouth? I have been nothing but truthful with you from the very beginning. I have pleaded with you to recognize our little dragon as yours but you have continually shunned and badmouthed me. My once pristine reputation has been drug through the town mud. I can no longer walk the streets with my head held high without catcalls from the towns men. Many, many men have visited my abode testing my resolve. Weakened by the onslaught of attention and ducats, many times I have failed in turning them away. After all, who am I to deny those poor men the pleasure of my company?

    And now you approach me with the idea of moving a few ducats my way for my business expertise. Surely you jest Dragon! My worth is many times more than the crumbs you are willing to part with. In order for this to be beneficial to me I demand an equal partnership. In case you are fuzzy as to the meaning of EQUAL, it is as follows in my dictionary, 'of the same quanity, value or status as another'. Got that Dragon? When you are ready to make me an EQUAL partner, we'll talk. I have prepared a small list of demands to be written in the contract. One of which involves my mother who is very eager to get started with the decorating. Only tasteful changes of course.

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