I'm not much of a con man, so I guess I can't help you there. (And yes, I get that this thread is satirical).
My M.O. is to stick my neck out and take risks in the stock market. I'm not perfect, but I know I CAN succeed, because I HAVE done some things right, like buying $500 worth of Indymac and selling it for $1,500. Not to mention that I bought Sirius at about 12 cents a share. I know that I'm preaching to the choir about Sirius, but a lot of other people thought I was kinda nuts for buying Sirius when the share price is struggling like that.
Big risks can lead to big rewards.